Kamikaze In Cannes

A Japanese family appeared on the beach in Cannes today (14 May) and decided to join me. It was blisteringly hot and their two identical boys were not happy. They were stripped down to their trunks by their mother, who smothered them in a thick factor 400 cream then hurriedly covered them both up again in dressing gowns and sun hats. They sat on the sand, playing disinterestedly with some digger-type trucks and super hero figures. The father spent the next half an hour constructing an elaborate wind barrier, but there was no bloody wind, I just couldn’t see the point! He then sat down in jeans exhausted. The mother, quite attractive with a thin, gaunt face, fussed around bags of clothes and gallons of sun factor creams and oils. As a foursome they looked horrendously out of place, they were on the wrong holiday, and then there was the bombshell.

After a while the Japanese family settled and the father handed the mother a 20 euro note to go out and search for some food, she skipped away enthusiastically. Half an hour later she returned with a bag of food and the husband completely flipped. In these situations language barriers are not a problem, body language is all that counts. He ripped her apart because she returned with no change! Crime of the century, she had squandered 20 euros on food, I’m surprised she avoided what must have been a temptation to stab him, or at the very least lift the nearest rock and smash his skull. His rant lasted a full ten minutes before he quietened down, but the damage had been done. The mother remained calm throughout; she stiffened her lips, looked away and blanked him. He tried hard for the next hour to make up for his over reaction but she wasn’t interested in the least. He even offered her half of his sandwich. She did however take it off him, stared at it as if it was a bear turd before tossing it away into a rubbish bag. He later placed his hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off as if was a tarantula. It wasn’t long before she packed her bag, ordered her boys to dress (they were very relieved to step out of their ridiculous dressing gowns), and headed off back to their hotel. The father grimaced at being left alone but soon he too packed up his considerable belongings and trudged off back to find his family, thinking along the way, I’m sure, that sex, of any sort, would be off the agenda for several months at the very least!